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Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The Potential Of A Relationship

A friend turned me on to an interesting blog at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. It seems to be written from the point of view of a woman, so if you're a guy, just switch some nouns and pronouns. I think it's got some good ideas and advice about relationships.

The best quote I noticed so far was this (that I made gender neutral):

Potential is something that should be derived from the promise of actual actions that have already occurred, not the blinkered fairy tale in your head. Potential is about the potential of the relationship, NOT the potential of what the guy could be if only x, y, and z were to occur.

That's something I wish I could drive home to just about every adult I know. I'm guilty of this myself. I know in past relationships, I've thought that the relationship will be PERFECT when he cleans up those addictions or changes how he wants sex or communicates with me better or sees things more positively or blah blah blah.

I understand now that I was in love with the potential of the person to be someone he wasn't. In each moment, we are the people we are. We may want to make changes to ourselves, but unless we make changes, this is who we are! Few people truly make changes, so this is who we are. :) I'm not the person I plan to be until I am that person. Does that make sense? Well the same is true for the guys I've dated. They may have WANTED to be less angry or less depressive or different in some other way. But the guys I dated never made the changes they claimed to want, at least not while I was around.

So to all of you looking at trying to fix a relationship, or entering a new relationship. This is mostly likely to work if you truly love this person AS IS. If you are making a mental or out-loud list of all the ways you wish this person were different, especially some core and personality differences, then you are just not the right match. The right match for you is the person who doesn't need to change (for you). Nobody should have to change for you. They should be allowed to be who they are.

The right match for you is the person you don't want to change. That's because the right match is the right match, period, full stop. I agree with this blog. The potential should only be based in the moment, not on the possible future. If you are thinking that this relationship would be GREAT if only she wanted sex more, cuddled more, showed you love in more ways, etc..., then you are not judging your relationship by its true potential. You are extrapolating it out to what it might be IF those things all happened.

Stop wasting time and fooling yourself and others. That's how I feel about that! I know I will be working harder to make sure I am only dating guys I don't want to change. The right guy won't need any changes. That's what makes him right.

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