When You See Your Friend Doing The Wrong Thing..
Having just ended a truly bizarre and surreal legal battle with an ex-boyfriend, one thing really stood out to me. He must have no friends. No real friends. You know, the type of people who hear what you're doing, and suggest that you not do that.
I'm lucky to have loving and supportive friends who are also not afraid to tell me when they think I'm making a mistake... or taking the wrong path... or making a poor choice. I have wonderful friends who are comfy saying, "Hey, this doesn't look like the you I know. Think twice about this, and why you're doing it." I realise I am very lucky to have such friends.
Because clearly, my ex doesn't have such friends. I can't imagine there is an intelligent or compassionate human on the planet who would listen to his lies, hear what he did to me or planned to do to me (in our legal battle), and would support what he was doing. Having just received some of the legal documents he filed (before I ended the case), I saw that he was laying a huge trap for me. A trap of lies about me and our relationship.
For example, he used to work for me. He was always paid for his work. He worked for part of 2009 before we broke up. He was 1099'ed for this money, yet he filed with the court that he was never even paid. I asked to see his tax return from that year. He didn't claim the money I paid him.
This is stupid. Doesn't he have ANY friends looking at what he's doing, and saying, "Holy cats, this is a BAD idea. Don't mess with the IRS!" And if any friend were listening what he was trying to do to me, the groundwork of lies that he was laying, you'd think SOMEBODY might say, "Hey, man. What did this woman do to you that you're going through all this trouble to set all these traps for her?"
The paperwork I just saw was full of lies. Which is interesting since it would have been part of a court case, and there were MANY lies in there I would have easily been able to prove were lies. So what is he doing? And he has a lawyer. She's advising him that this is a good idea?! She's supposed to bring him a dose of reality. It's why they're called counsel. They're supposed to advise. I can only assume she's one of his Alcoholics Anonymous pals thinking she's doing him a favour.
So what's my point. My point is that if you have a friend, and you think he or she is doing the wrong thing, say something. If the battle doesn't match the problem, say something. I am amazed at the war my ex created over something quite small. The case I had pending against him would not have appeared on his permanent record. Even if I had completely won, he'd never have to tell anybody, never have to report it on a job application. It wasn't a criminal case. He and his lawyer treated this like they had to fight a capital murder case by dragging me over broken glass.
It was incredibly bizarre to read the paperwork he filed. Disturbing that a lawyer was OK with those lies, and the refusal to answer questions they knew were pivotal to my case. But this is what losers do. Losers distract and set fires off to the side, hoping that good people like me will rush to put out those fires, and not be able to address the original issue because I'm too busy putting out side fires. Losers refuse to answer the questions they know will make my case, and instead, try to keep me spinning and distracted.
When I heard he was contacting my friends to try to trick them into testifying against me, I ended the case. I couldn't stand the idea that good people were being dragged into more of his games and manipulations. And I'm glad I ended the case since now I see all the lies and traps being set for me. Funny since the whole case was about lies and fraud... and here he is, full of lies and fraud to fight my fraud claim. Genius! Jeez, he would have lost this case so gloriously, but I just decided it wasn't worth my time, money, or the continued interference in my life. Just before I dropped the case, his lawyer got it moved to a date in June when I will be out of the country on vacation with my boyfriend. But the case is over, and I'll be laying in the Central American sun while he continues living a life based on lies and fake personae he takes on.
This is who he is. And someday, more of the people around him will realise this, and they will distance themselves from him. He will end up very much alone. Even if he's surrounded by people like him, he's still alone. Because eventually, everybody sees the boy who cries wolf for who he is. A scared little kid, acting out, manipulating for attention and what he perceives as his own gain. My ex is a sick little kid, a guy who doesn't realise how much he is drowning in his own struggles with sobriety, a guy who doesn't understand how much his depression and illness affect others. A guy who clearly has no morals. And obviously a guy who doesn't believe that what goes around comes around otherwise he'd be more careful about what he puts out there.
I am the real winner here. I am done with him. It cost me time, it cost me frustration, but it cost very little money. I'm living in a new city, and I have an amazing boyfriend. We just got back from a week in Disney, and we have a vacation planned just about every month this year. When my boyfriend and I are looking in each other's eyes, and the rest of the world doesn't exist, I know I'm the real winner here. Right now, I'm truly blessed.