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Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Signs Your Relationship Isn't What You Think It Is

So yes, I realise I need to break my relationship blog posts into a new blog. Working on that. For now, they're here since people seem to like them. :)

I read another great blog post over at Baggage Reclaim. She's looking at 12 boundaries to live by. I read them, and thought about how they are also great ways to assess a relationship you may already be in. Here are my takes on some of her points.

Her first point is that nobody should date someone who is married, in a relationship, or newly separated. I've mentioned before that I've been on all sides of this one, and ya know what? It's never good. It never works. I started dating someone just before I left my husband in 2002. That means that new boyfriend was dating me while I was married AND newly separated. And he was pining over an ex-girlfriend. We were both emotionally unavailable, but didn't realise it. Yes, I'm glad he was the catalyst for me getting out of that bad marriage that was never going to be the right marriage, but we were doomed for so many reasons. My main tip: don't date the emotionally unavailable no matter what their relationship status is.

Her second point was that nobody should wait for someone to become the person you think they should be. I hear that SO MUCH from my married friends... things like, "Well, he'd be right if he were this and this, and like this." Or, "I'd want to stay with her if she did this, and felt this way about this, and treated me this way." Well, heads up: they're not that person. Why are you waiting for someone to be someone they're not? Would you want someone else waiting and holding out expectations about you magically becoming someone you're not? When my friends read me the list of what they want their husband or wife to be, I tell them to just leave them. Don't expect someone to twist into a pretzel to become what you want. That's not who they are at their core. Evidently, who they truly are is someone you don't really want. So just go!

Her third point is about not being in a relationship where you're not treated with love, trust, and respect. I know from past relationships that once you feel the love has died, or once the trust is broken, there is NEVER any going back. NEVER. You can smooth it over, you can play nice, you can get counselling, you can "try," but you will second guess each other forever. Like when will he break trust again, or when will she make me feel unloved again.

I have a friend who kissed another woman, and eventually admitted it to his wife. He is now on the shortest leash known to man, and even though it's years later and he hasn't done anything like it again, she doesn't totally trust him. I do NOT suggest staying in relationships where love once felt dead or trust has been broken. I've never seen or heard of any of those 100% truly being fixed.

Her fourth point is about not dating someone who mostly talks glowingly about the future. How good a relationship is is how good it is today. Right now. Not when his dreamy future scenarios happen, if they happen. You can't stick around waiting for what might come down the road. You only have this moment, and when you look at him or her, what does your heart say RIGHT NOW? Greatest love of your life? Most amazing guy who treats you like freaking gold? Beautiful woman who is everything you ever wanted?

Her fifth point is about dating someone who wants to control things, or wants the relationship on his terms. Like the guy with the list you have to match up to... whether or not that list is actually written down. The "right" relationship will be right. Nobody else will have a to-do list for you. Nobody else will need you to change. There is a right person for you who won't need you to change for him, or live up to his list of needs.

Her eighth point is about not dating someone who lies to you or distorts the truth. That seems obvious, yet so many of us stick around with people who have lied to us in big ways. I know I have! And it doesn't make sense to stick around once you KNOW about the lies. I deserve better. I deserve someone who can be completely honest with me. That will make me feel respected, and it will match the complete honesty I give him.

Her ninth point is about not pursuing someone who has rejected you. I think this is still my Achilles Heel. I call it "campaigning," where someone pulls away from you (or rejects you), and you ramp up your fantasticness in ways you know he would want... more sex, more sex his way, more cooking, more cleaning, more whatever it is. Why are we doing that? Why try to keep around someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want us or that he wanted someone else? I wouldn't even want a guy who's dating me, but fantasising about other women since that would make me think he's not present with me and fully wanting ME. The right person will choose you and only you, and I'm getting better at disconnecting from the guys who are not choosing me.

Her tenth point is about not playing nurse to "the walking wounded," including people with substance problems. Another Achilles Heel for me. As a "rescuer" type of personality, I tend to attract the "victim," who wants my help. My last serious boyfriend was an alcoholic and addict, who asked for my help what felt like daily. When I gave him the help he asked for, I was an enabler. When I told him I didn't cause his problems and don't have the power to fix them, I enabled the "not getting his fix" side. Whether the addiction is food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or something else, we can't help these people. We just can't, and we need to stop losing ourselves in a dizzying maze of trying to help them with their own psychological issues.

Besides, the right guy for me is on the same page as I am, and I'm not a current, former, or future addict.

Her blog posts are excellent, and I suggest that everybody read the Baggage Reclaim blog. While it's written towards women dating crappy men, the advice is absolutely helpful for any gender dating any gender.

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